Last week I witnessed possibly one of my favourite moments in television history. OK, OK maybe that’s a slight overstatement, but the sight of a grown man unashamedly admitting that he has written to his local council to complain about himself was pure TV gold.
And the clincher for me? He was complaining about himself... for sending too many complaints.
Chris ‘the professional complainer’ Byrne made 179 complaints in all to his local council. Most of them were petty gripes – park benches in the wrong places, broken drain covers in roads and such like.
His official moanings had seen local authorities rack up a £100,000 bill investigating them all. But, rather tragically for the council, only three were genuinely worth the effort.
And - surprise, surprise – those three upheld grievances included the one against himself.
All in all, ITV’s It Pays to Complain was a bit of mixed bag. Some moments you thought, ‘Hey, it really does pay to complain - I’m off to get my money back!’; others, you were left frustrated as the advice dished out by presenter Jonathan Maitland and his side-kick, complaints expert Jasper Griegson, failed to hit the spot.
Alongside Mr. Byrne, ITV managed to unearth another unique character, Danielle Gallagher. Danielle told us she receives between £700 to £1,000 a year, averaging several complimentary vouchers per week, just for writing letters of complaint. Another professional whinger, but this time with an end product.
But the crux of ITV’s programme revolved around two hidden camera experiments to see how far the great British public needs to be pushed before the complaints start rolling in.
The first took place in a restaurant. ‘We’ve hired the worst waitress in Britain,’ Maitland said as three unwitting customers, Jenna, Sarah and Fabienne, were treated to unacceptably shoddy service.
First, the waitress dallied for 15 minutes before taking their order. Then she answered a phone call in the middle of noting their choices. Next, she brought out the wrong dishes and asked them to eat the food anyway. Finally, she added a 20% service charge to the bill.
Not a word of complaint. Not one. And they met the bill in full. ‘If we were with our boyfriends we would probably have walked out or got some money off,’ the girls explained afterwards. Not an acceptable excuse, said the experts.
In another scene, ‘Eddie the taxi driver’ takes all sorts of liberties while his passengers watch the meter tick round. In one set-up, he takes several wrong turnings, adding a few extra pounds to the fare. In another he stops for a newspaper, leaves the meter running, and dawdles around outside a local convenience store. Again, no complaints.
It made intriguing viewing – a window into our reserved Britishness. But for all the entertainment, ITV’s offering was short on substance. What should we say when a taxi driver takes liberties like that, Maitland asks? ‘I’d say something. I’d be firm but polite’, says Jasper. Thanks guys, but we need more.
Getting your money back often comes down to writing a succinct, yet powerful, letter of complaint. But as Danielle Gallagher would attest, this is a skill in itself. She offered up a couple of excellent pointers to getting started:
‘Know what you’re complaining about and don’t go off on a tangent,’ she said. ‘And know who you’re complaining to, as well. It’s no good complaining to the check out girl or waitress who’s just served you’.
Sound advice. But what about the actual writing business? What should you say? How should you word it? This is where ITV stopped short. Which was a shame, because a little guidance at this stage and you could be on to a winner.
But no fear, if it's help you crave, you've come to the right place. At This is Money we’ve put together a guide on how to write the perfect letter of complaint. It’s not a guarantee for success, but it’s as close as you’ll get.
So if you’ve been mistreated by a company and left out of pocket, don't get mad. Don’t sit back and accept your fate. Get even. Jasper Griegson, the 'King of Complainers' expands on the useful hints and delves into the finer details of the getting your money back.
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